What kind of art do I want to make?

What kind of art do I want to make?

I think it an important question, that I can't seem to answer and it making this whole art class thing so hard for me. 1. you don't have assignment in this class, it all your idea and I'm just the worst at that. 2. I'm so scared about the criteria, the rubric, what IB gona think etc, what is Cornell gona think.....etc.. it making this a horrible experience. I thought this would be some stress relieve, but this class is the most difficult class for me.

So today I decide I'm just going to not care right now and think about what is it that I want.

I once told Mr. Cornell, I have no idea what to do, I'm not particularly passionate about anything and I just want to do a whole bunch of random stuff. Cornell told me maybe that what I should do. It an advice I never took.

I really ask myself today what is it that I consider art? Well to me art is simply thing that are artistically appealing to me. I know that super vague and if this was TOK i would fail but I just dont care about that right now. That is the definition that may just pull me of this miserable void. One of the biggest problem with art is I always feel that I have to invent some meaning to it that will make it all deep and suitable to turn in. I just feel that, that is all lie. Why can't I just make thing just because it look nice. Sure, there must be some psychological reason I choose to do what I do, but why must I justify myself?

I just want to do something fun, that look good, and doesn't require a lot of technical skill (becasue I have none)  and no I don't think it begin lazy, some DIY stuff are really cool too and that is just want I want to do.

Plan

Ok so if I can't get anything done over summer at least I need to plan what to do so I can be ready to do something when I'm not breaking down and begin suicidal. A friends bring me to a counselor before but I mean what could I tell him? I brush it off as academic stress and lack of sleep but maybe it something more now. I mean I just not comfortable to talk to him about it nor can I do it without breaking down in tear.

When I'm not breaking down I just can't get anything done. I want to blame lack of support from family but I guess I'm in the wrong for not knowing how to approach them first. I don't have the best relationship with them they never do what I'm doing they never about anything school related and that my whole life right now, all they do is sign permission slip. I do wish I could just sit down talk to them, do some art and craft together maybe...why does that seem like such an impossible dream to me? I always fell like I'm alone. I guess I do need some family support. I just don't know how.

Summer is not going so great...

      I thought the summer I could get my self together by the first month was fill with depression terrible thing happen (I cannot discuss farther detail) I'm just been crying my eyes out every night, wanting to die everyday. I just very hard to keep it together right now obviously did not accomplish as much as I plan. I can tell anyone I feel like I can't do anything. I'm trying to get my head together as best as I can. It such a stressing feeling in a way no words can describe. I feel like I'm alone in the dark all the time. I just can't describe the dark void in my head....

Maybe I do need help....

I don't know what to do...

I don't know why this is happening....

I don't know how to get out...



please help me.....