I do realize that I haven't been producing as many work as I should. I guess part of that is just that I priorities this class lower than everything else and I always think I can always do these outside, but I suppose it never happen. I want to say the reason for that is I just don't know what to do, I'm just not passionate about anything. I mean if you tell me what to do, then yeah I'll do it, but I'm just not particularly interested in anything. I suppose I never been much of an art person, I just don't have a creative bone in my body. When I Google think for inspiration, when I see something that is aesthetically appealing, I know I can make something like that, but I just do not know how to make it my own. I can imitate almost anything, but I just don't want to do it if it is not meaningful to me. I mean sure I can bs meaning for almost anything, but I want to create something that i actually significance to me. I just don't know what is significance to me. In the beginning of the year, my mind was set on coding, but I was so discourage when I was told that it would be a lot of work. I suppose I just take it as people wasn't confidence i could pull it off so (it a fault on my part) completely drop the thought. I know that I should have shake it off and just do it anyway, but I just sway so easily. I might have been a lot better at it have I stick to it, but it a tragic mistake to let it go. So now I just don't really have anything. I just lack inspiration. This year just been really stress and depressing I don't know how to express myself beside through tears. Everyday I feel my existence so meaningless. At least other class have something to keep my mind occupy so, I don't think about my feeling, but in this class when this is so free form and no restriction, it make me feel as lost as ever, it remind me how I don't have a purpose. Sometime I just want to run away and disappear. Can I change the fact that I just don't care about anything? It like I want to care but I don't know how. There nothing I feel strongly about. It like all the work I do in school is for the sake of grade and not passion. Can I just make something without meaning? I feel like I always have to reflect on everything and I can't just say that that it just aesthetically appealing. I know I been slacking off and I wouldn't blame Cornell if he just give up on me. I mean, I could understand why. He got a room full of bright and passionate kid and there is me. I just don't know what to do. How to I find what to do? how do I find purpose in life? How do I make something to express how I feel about the world?
I think that when summer come and everything else is over I could get myself together and make up for lost time there, but people just doesn't seem to believe work can be done in the summer either. I plan to just have a relax summer where I do DIY project every week. Perhaps the best thing to do is to created a plan and plan a project for each week of summer and just do them. I hate to see it, but in the eyes of the examiner the amount of work done probably beat the meaning. Not to say that people who make a lot of work doesn't care about them. That would be the faultiest thing to say, but where does these people I'm surrounded by get there inspiration and motivation from? I'm trying to remember the time I enjoy making art for the sake of making art and not for grade...When were those time? Did I ever have those time?
I'm still just as lost as ever .... if not more
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